i was mistaken. i dont have any feelings for that guy i was talking about, the one i had the dream about. i was just being over dramatic. i dont like it when guys get over me and move on, but now i just dont care, and i dont care because i dont want to. it's dumb. like really, where did i think it was guna go? we broke up for good reasons. same with my other ex. i dont really wanna be with anyone. and by that i mean i dont want to be in a relationship, or friendships. im just kind of done with the worlds bullshit. like i just see beyond all the pointless things now. in a year i'm never going to see any of these fucked up people ever again. and some of them are nice i suppose, but whats the point in building up friendships that are only going to be lost? to have fun now?? well i'm not having fun, so why try anymore. everyone thinks i'm just so caught up in myself and that i think it's "all about me"... well if thats so, and u always thought that, y the fuck did you hang with me? thats fucking stupid. well i'm guna listen to what they say and just worry about myself. fuck their problems. i dont care. i've got my own, thank you.
so yea, im just confirming that i dont really feel much but extreme apathy right now which is what i wanted, so thats really good, and i honestly dont wanna do music at the moment like at all. i'm getting really pissed off and fed up with it all and actually believing that im guna make it... but i suppose i wont do anything else with my time so i might as well. i just kinda dont care if im homeless or poor or dead really cuz i kind of already feel dead. well... thats "all about me". bye
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
endless antics II
ironicly enough, i had an extremely vivid dream last night that almost felt more real than real life. let me tell you, dreams suck. it kinda stuck with me the whole day and just made the whole "feelings" thing even worse. so yea. im having fun.
i'm guna go now.
i'm guna go now.
Monday, September 26, 2011
endless antics
"you can bandage the damage; you never really can fix a heart"
i find everything ironic. oh, and how history repeats itself! its horrible. no one ever, ever learns. jussayin. like how i dated someone for a long period of time in 7th grade and then we stopped talking for two years. and in those two years i had another long relationship that started in the end of 8th grade and lasted the majority of freshman year. and when that relationship ended, not long after i dated the ex from 7th grade for a year. and now the ex from 8th/9th grade and i haven't really talked for two year... and the feelings... yea... the feelings. fuck the feelings. i hate the feelings.
rfdddddddddqnm, 6tuijkm,
Kovu says hi.
well, i suppose i should go to sleep. but don't wake me if i'm dreaming of angles on the moon...
i find everything ironic. oh, and how history repeats itself! its horrible. no one ever, ever learns. jussayin. like how i dated someone for a long period of time in 7th grade and then we stopped talking for two years. and in those two years i had another long relationship that started in the end of 8th grade and lasted the majority of freshman year. and when that relationship ended, not long after i dated the ex from 7th grade for a year. and now the ex from 8th/9th grade and i haven't really talked for two year... and the feelings... yea... the feelings. fuck the feelings. i hate the feelings.
rfdddddddddqnm, 6tuijkm,
Kovu says hi.
well, i suppose i should go to sleep. but don't wake me if i'm dreaming of angles on the moon...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I'm a bat. Wanna see me fly?
this isnt normal for me to be updating this like crazy but i really dont know what else to do i guess. it feels like everyone hates me in school, and i dont wanna be over dramatic and care about the stupid shit that pathetic, bored people do, but i really feel this way and its real. someone jammed my lock, and damn good may i add. it was last fucking hour, couldnt they have done it in the morning to make my whole day shitty? no. they have to do it for my last fucking class of the day. i had to tell my teacher and go find someone strong enough to unjam it because everyone was fucking looking at me thinking i was retarded. one of those peopl being my ex, the one that "wanted to smoke with me". i have a feeling he did it, but then again maybe he didnt. it doesnt fucking matter who did it, no one helped me. then in the office i saw one of my fave teachers (band teacher who walks with a cane) came with me to the second level to unjam my locker. we tried for a while. and then he finally had to use his cane to shove it down. well he got it, i grabbed my shit and went to class.
last year during lunch, that ex was throwing food at me during lunch. and i knew it was him because it happened several times and one of my best friends was facing him and saw him do it. well my life is dandy.
i'm one of those kids that the whole fucking grade hates cuz im different, cuz there's rumors, because no one likes giving second chances. we're forced to live in our past. we always feel like something is wrong with us, but really. it's you who's wrong. you who belittle us.
so i guess i live in your little high school world of lies for the next two years of my life. i do it for my friends who've graduated and love me very much, i do it for myself because ik i can be above this shit, i do it for my career, and i do it for the hundreds of thousands of others like me who have to live this way, and sometimes even worse.
oh yah, and one more thing, it bothers me. i'm not going to pretend like it doesnt cuz thats what u want.. fuck that, seriously. acting like we dont care only makes shit worse. they dont stop. so instead, give them something to talk about, and just be urself. if u dont care, im fucking jelious and thats the way to go! but if u do like me and its really hard not to care, even though you know this shits overrated, just be who we r. its all we really can do. and kno that ur not alone. ever. there's one bat among the birds and the beasts in every school.
*extra info*
incase you don't know the Aesop fable "The bat, the birds, and the beasts" i thank the book by Alex Flinn "Breaking Point" it is my favorite book.
there are two reasons the first tattoo im getting is a bat. my grandmother's last name is Batt and i love her unbelievably. and this fable.
i'm going to qoute this from the book here so im letting u know that i dont own any of these words because ik how plagiarism goes.
"Once, all the creatures lived in harmony. Then, there was a conflict between the birds and the beasts. They formed two armies. The bat went to join with the birds. But they said 'Sorry. You're no bird.' So, he went to join the beasts, but they said, 'You can fly. You must be a bird.' Finally, the birds and the beasts made their peace. They had something in common-they all hated the bat, who was different from everyone. So the bat was forced to fly off alone before the other creatures ripped him apart."
i thought to myself for a moment, because this was in the book right before a boy named David died. he wanted to commit suicide. he said to the main character "I'm the bat. Wanna see me fly?"
if you interested, go read the book. its fucking awesome.
last year during lunch, that ex was throwing food at me during lunch. and i knew it was him because it happened several times and one of my best friends was facing him and saw him do it. well my life is dandy.
i'm one of those kids that the whole fucking grade hates cuz im different, cuz there's rumors, because no one likes giving second chances. we're forced to live in our past. we always feel like something is wrong with us, but really. it's you who's wrong. you who belittle us.
so i guess i live in your little high school world of lies for the next two years of my life. i do it for my friends who've graduated and love me very much, i do it for myself because ik i can be above this shit, i do it for my career, and i do it for the hundreds of thousands of others like me who have to live this way, and sometimes even worse.
oh yah, and one more thing, it bothers me. i'm not going to pretend like it doesnt cuz thats what u want.. fuck that, seriously. acting like we dont care only makes shit worse. they dont stop. so instead, give them something to talk about, and just be urself. if u dont care, im fucking jelious and thats the way to go! but if u do like me and its really hard not to care, even though you know this shits overrated, just be who we r. its all we really can do. and kno that ur not alone. ever. there's one bat among the birds and the beasts in every school.
*extra info*
incase you don't know the Aesop fable "The bat, the birds, and the beasts" i thank the book by Alex Flinn "Breaking Point" it is my favorite book.
there are two reasons the first tattoo im getting is a bat. my grandmother's last name is Batt and i love her unbelievably. and this fable.
i'm going to qoute this from the book here so im letting u know that i dont own any of these words because ik how plagiarism goes.
"Once, all the creatures lived in harmony. Then, there was a conflict between the birds and the beasts. They formed two armies. The bat went to join with the birds. But they said 'Sorry. You're no bird.' So, he went to join the beasts, but they said, 'You can fly. You must be a bird.' Finally, the birds and the beasts made their peace. They had something in common-they all hated the bat, who was different from everyone. So the bat was forced to fly off alone before the other creatures ripped him apart."
i thought to myself for a moment, because this was in the book right before a boy named David died. he wanted to commit suicide. he said to the main character "I'm the bat. Wanna see me fly?"
if you interested, go read the book. its fucking awesome.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
cats n dogs
you think you have feelings for someone. then you deny you have feelings for someone. then you know you have feelings for someone. and hate yourself for it. well a similar story in my life replays too many times. the story i told the entry before, about the "friend" and her boyfriend. well, i've broken more.
you know when you have that new feeling of liking someone, nothing serious, and you guys are just friends, but you know you like each other? cuz im very familiar with it. but then you remember that you both have serious happiness issues and one day the person you like doesn't reply. and the next day they dont again. and then they send you an email about your profile picture being pretty and your just appalled. speechless. so you say nothing. then a day later they finally text you "hi". well idk y i caare so much and i can assure you that i dont like caring about it. and i dont care for hiding the fact that we're friends because his gf hates the fuck out of me. again. i feel like the booty-call. and now it's not just me. because now i'm crying about someone who shouldn't mean this much to me. and not only that, but i feel like the fucking bitch that my dad cheated on my mom with for 2 and a half years whom hes STILL with, and i feel like the skank that was my best friend and then she slept with my (first intimate relationship) ex boyfriend.
oh and speaking of that guy, hes found in earlier posts, and he's not larry (four) and he's not casey d. his picture was also posted.... and i dont regret my past so i chose to leave those posts up. couldnt tell ya the dates tho. well anyways, i just recently began smoking cigarettes (wee.... -_-) and one of my friends (whos kinda not really my friend and is friends with this ex im talking about) she was guna smoke shit with me for my first time and then she told my ex (who's kinda a stoner now) and he said he wanted to do it with me. so now thats another thought in my head. idk how THATS guna go down, but its this weekend so i should make up my mind fast.
i'm talking to my ex-friend's boyfriend and i finally told him the fallowing:
"i cant watch [my ex friend' name] do this to u n e more. ive been thinking and crying and thinking and [my ex friend's name] just said shit to me today about u and 'be jelious' of u and her cheating, i just cant watch it [exfriend's boyfriend's name]. im watching something so amazing just be slowly murdered and swallowed."
and he hasnt replied so yah. i'll just leave it at then i guess
why are cats and dogs the lesser beings? they live in a world of bliss and ignorance, and i would give anything to live that kind of a life. yes, they may live shorter lives, but i feel as if everyday i live is wasted because i've been worried about so many things that shouldnt matter. spending time with people you love before they're gone, playing with the kitten you've wanted your whole life. why can't those be the biggest things i'm worried about? why?
go listen to the song "The Ocean" by Chelsea Z.
and don't smoke cigarettes. it's dumb.
you know when you have that new feeling of liking someone, nothing serious, and you guys are just friends, but you know you like each other? cuz im very familiar with it. but then you remember that you both have serious happiness issues and one day the person you like doesn't reply. and the next day they dont again. and then they send you an email about your profile picture being pretty and your just appalled. speechless. so you say nothing. then a day later they finally text you "hi". well idk y i caare so much and i can assure you that i dont like caring about it. and i dont care for hiding the fact that we're friends because his gf hates the fuck out of me. again. i feel like the booty-call. and now it's not just me. because now i'm crying about someone who shouldn't mean this much to me. and not only that, but i feel like the fucking bitch that my dad cheated on my mom with for 2 and a half years whom hes STILL with, and i feel like the skank that was my best friend and then she slept with my (first intimate relationship) ex boyfriend.
oh and speaking of that guy, hes found in earlier posts, and he's not larry (four) and he's not casey d. his picture was also posted.... and i dont regret my past so i chose to leave those posts up. couldnt tell ya the dates tho. well anyways, i just recently began smoking cigarettes (wee.... -_-) and one of my friends (whos kinda not really my friend and is friends with this ex im talking about) she was guna smoke shit with me for my first time and then she told my ex (who's kinda a stoner now) and he said he wanted to do it with me. so now thats another thought in my head. idk how THATS guna go down, but its this weekend so i should make up my mind fast.
i'm talking to my ex-friend's boyfriend and i finally told him the fallowing:
"i cant watch [my ex friend' name] do this to u n e more. ive been thinking and crying and thinking and [my ex friend's name] just said shit to me today about u and 'be jelious' of u and her cheating, i just cant watch it [exfriend's boyfriend's name]. im watching something so amazing just be slowly murdered and swallowed."
and he hasnt replied so yah. i'll just leave it at then i guess
why are cats and dogs the lesser beings? they live in a world of bliss and ignorance, and i would give anything to live that kind of a life. yes, they may live shorter lives, but i feel as if everyday i live is wasted because i've been worried about so many things that shouldnt matter. spending time with people you love before they're gone, playing with the kitten you've wanted your whole life. why can't those be the biggest things i'm worried about? why?
go listen to the song "The Ocean" by Chelsea Z.
and don't smoke cigarettes. it's dumb.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Mummy Dearest
whoever said that before birth we chose our parents is fucking wrong as hell. maybe its only because i grew up with her, my i fucking hate my mom. she is like litterally everything i hate in a person. she's a fucking horder and our house is filled with shit to the brim. we dont need more than half the crap in our house, and the only clean room in the house is my room. our kitchen table has been fully preoccupied by her piles of papers and whatever else she's too fuckin lazy to clean up for the last 5 years (maybe even longer). the only table we have to eat on in this whole house is the fuckin coffee table, which as of a month ago has become another storrage space for my mom to put more papers. i now know why we're at a loss of trees.... their remains are on all the table you can find in my house.
and then theres the boxes and BOXES of christmas deccorations she STILL hasn't put away. instead their in front of the biggest TV in our house which is in out basement. mind you our basement walls are made of spiderwebs and boxes of old baby clothes and whatever else my mom finds reason to clutter our basement. now, my mom sounds like a pretty lazy person, right? considering i told her she needed to clear the dinning room table off cuz my little sister and i were starting to be bothered that we cant eat there any more, and she was laying spralled out on the couch and screamed at me for being disrespectful. (disrespectful is an overused word in our house. the way i fucking breathe is disrespectful. the sun coming up is disrespectful. idk what the word means anymore.) but no. this fucking bitch gets up at 5am to work out. and she's always going to "yoga" or "zumba".... hey MOTHER! u wanna fuckiing clean up your house before you do shit for yourself so that your kids dont have to live in your piles of shit!!!!?!!!
fuck my mom, seriously. i fucking hate her.
and then theres the boxes and BOXES of christmas deccorations she STILL hasn't put away. instead their in front of the biggest TV in our house which is in out basement. mind you our basement walls are made of spiderwebs and boxes of old baby clothes and whatever else my mom finds reason to clutter our basement. now, my mom sounds like a pretty lazy person, right? considering i told her she needed to clear the dinning room table off cuz my little sister and i were starting to be bothered that we cant eat there any more, and she was laying spralled out on the couch and screamed at me for being disrespectful. (disrespectful is an overused word in our house. the way i fucking breathe is disrespectful. the sun coming up is disrespectful. idk what the word means anymore.) but no. this fucking bitch gets up at 5am to work out. and she's always going to "yoga" or "zumba".... hey MOTHER! u wanna fuckiing clean up your house before you do shit for yourself so that your kids dont have to live in your piles of shit!!!!?!!!
fuck my mom, seriously. i fucking hate her.
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