i fuckin hate relationships... worse than i did before. and because of this extremely upsetting moment, i am going to take the time to appreciate my skills of being completely random. here are a few things you might not think of everyday grouped into pairs of two, because it's never fun to be alone:
Tricks & Underdogs
Stories untold and fire alarms that won't shut up
People that win and chances not worth taking
the simple things and speaking your mind
Canada and the fuckin pyramids
female impersonators and care takers
Gorgeous mistakes and falling for fools
unspoken decisions and shoe boxes
vanilla sugar and the number 8
tricky conversations and crazy girls that think dildos r over used
Toe rings and lame phone numbers
Flip cards and Unnoticeable remarks
Kinky thongs and drunken toasts
French fries and biscuits
Hallucinations and bells that forget to ring
Aluminum Cans and foreshadowing the future
Air Waves, Car accidents, and portable bathrooms
Justice and Rice
Hair flips and uncensored letters
yep. random things. that will be all. i'm going to continue to be pissed off. thanks for reading.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
exasperated profanities
i fucking hate humanity. i fucking hate people and their stupid sence of knownledge and choice of actions. like FUCK YOU with a million capitol letters! FUCKFUCKFUCKYOU
and fuck relationships. trying to be with someone... trying to be with someone equally and happy. its fucking imposable. just face it. we all wanna find our "soal mates" but guess what mother fuckers?! YOUR DREAMING! mr. right doesnt fucking exsist! everybody's a fucking asshole. no one is ever guna make you happy because everything in life will fucking dissapoint you. your better off on your own sleeping with who ever the fuck you think is sexy! just watch for them STD's cuz i hear they're nasty as fuck >.< but whatever, as long as the dick thats comin in is clean i dont give a fuck. ok thats wrong too. but wtf ever im in a fucking shitty ass mood thanks to people who have shitty days and feel the need to spred their extreme bullshit to the next happy mother fucker. its contagious so sorry if you catch it from reading this. but ik you wont. wanna know why? CUZ NO ONE FUCKING READS THIS GODDAMN BLOG! thanks awesome fucking friends for talking to me when all of my facebook status's sound about one stab away from death! you mother fuckers FUCKING SUCK!!! i reeeeaalllly hate everything right now! like HOLY FUCKKKING SHIT i hate everything! like fuck every single fucking person in this world except for Ronnie Radke. random? no. all ive been listening to while my boyfriend is being a fucking pissy asshole and doesnt wanna fucking see me and would rather hang out with a fucking greasy ass stoner who never fucking showers and smoke weed and be a fucking dick... (btw FUCK YOU) ive just been alone listening to Falling In Reverse, and Ronnie Radke is honestly the hottest man to ever live idc what anyone says and Sally Watts is the luckiest mother fucker in this whole goddamn world. i wanna fucking die. like fuck. what i'd do to just BAM: keel over. thatd be fucking sweet. to die on 11/11/11! HA. the best thing about the thought of death is thinking about making people feel like their the reason im fucking gone FOREVER! because wtf do i care if im dead! ITS ALL YOUR MOTHER FUCKERS FAULTS! FUCK YOU ALL!
and fuck relationships. trying to be with someone... trying to be with someone equally and happy. its fucking imposable. just face it. we all wanna find our "soal mates" but guess what mother fuckers?! YOUR DREAMING! mr. right doesnt fucking exsist! everybody's a fucking asshole. no one is ever guna make you happy because everything in life will fucking dissapoint you. your better off on your own sleeping with who ever the fuck you think is sexy! just watch for them STD's cuz i hear they're nasty as fuck >.< but whatever, as long as the dick thats comin in is clean i dont give a fuck. ok thats wrong too. but wtf ever im in a fucking shitty ass mood thanks to people who have shitty days and feel the need to spred their extreme bullshit to the next happy mother fucker. its contagious so sorry if you catch it from reading this. but ik you wont. wanna know why? CUZ NO ONE FUCKING READS THIS GODDAMN BLOG! thanks awesome fucking friends for talking to me when all of my facebook status's sound about one stab away from death! you mother fuckers FUCKING SUCK!!! i reeeeaalllly hate everything right now! like HOLY FUCKKKING SHIT i hate everything! like fuck every single fucking person in this world except for Ronnie Radke. random? no. all ive been listening to while my boyfriend is being a fucking pissy asshole and doesnt wanna fucking see me and would rather hang out with a fucking greasy ass stoner who never fucking showers and smoke weed and be a fucking dick... (btw FUCK YOU) ive just been alone listening to Falling In Reverse, and Ronnie Radke is honestly the hottest man to ever live idc what anyone says and Sally Watts is the luckiest mother fucker in this whole goddamn world. i wanna fucking die. like fuck. what i'd do to just BAM: keel over. thatd be fucking sweet. to die on 11/11/11! HA. the best thing about the thought of death is thinking about making people feel like their the reason im fucking gone FOREVER! because wtf do i care if im dead! ITS ALL YOUR MOTHER FUCKERS FAULTS! FUCK YOU ALL!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
it all about me
i was mistaken. i dont have any feelings for that guy i was talking about, the one i had the dream about. i was just being over dramatic. i dont like it when guys get over me and move on, but now i just dont care, and i dont care because i dont want to. it's dumb. like really, where did i think it was guna go? we broke up for good reasons. same with my other ex. i dont really wanna be with anyone. and by that i mean i dont want to be in a relationship, or friendships. im just kind of done with the worlds bullshit. like i just see beyond all the pointless things now. in a year i'm never going to see any of these fucked up people ever again. and some of them are nice i suppose, but whats the point in building up friendships that are only going to be lost? to have fun now?? well i'm not having fun, so why try anymore. everyone thinks i'm just so caught up in myself and that i think it's "all about me"... well if thats so, and u always thought that, y the fuck did you hang with me? thats fucking stupid. well i'm guna listen to what they say and just worry about myself. fuck their problems. i dont care. i've got my own, thank you.
so yea, im just confirming that i dont really feel much but extreme apathy right now which is what i wanted, so thats really good, and i honestly dont wanna do music at the moment like at all. i'm getting really pissed off and fed up with it all and actually believing that im guna make it... but i suppose i wont do anything else with my time so i might as well. i just kinda dont care if im homeless or poor or dead really cuz i kind of already feel dead. well... thats "all about me". bye
so yea, im just confirming that i dont really feel much but extreme apathy right now which is what i wanted, so thats really good, and i honestly dont wanna do music at the moment like at all. i'm getting really pissed off and fed up with it all and actually believing that im guna make it... but i suppose i wont do anything else with my time so i might as well. i just kinda dont care if im homeless or poor or dead really cuz i kind of already feel dead. well... thats "all about me". bye
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
endless antics II
ironicly enough, i had an extremely vivid dream last night that almost felt more real than real life. let me tell you, dreams suck. it kinda stuck with me the whole day and just made the whole "feelings" thing even worse. so yea. im having fun.
i'm guna go now.
i'm guna go now.
Monday, September 26, 2011
endless antics
"you can bandage the damage; you never really can fix a heart"
i find everything ironic. oh, and how history repeats itself! its horrible. no one ever, ever learns. jussayin. like how i dated someone for a long period of time in 7th grade and then we stopped talking for two years. and in those two years i had another long relationship that started in the end of 8th grade and lasted the majority of freshman year. and when that relationship ended, not long after i dated the ex from 7th grade for a year. and now the ex from 8th/9th grade and i haven't really talked for two year... and the feelings... yea... the feelings. fuck the feelings. i hate the feelings.
rfdddddddddqnm, 6tuijkm,
Kovu says hi.
well, i suppose i should go to sleep. but don't wake me if i'm dreaming of angles on the moon...
i find everything ironic. oh, and how history repeats itself! its horrible. no one ever, ever learns. jussayin. like how i dated someone for a long period of time in 7th grade and then we stopped talking for two years. and in those two years i had another long relationship that started in the end of 8th grade and lasted the majority of freshman year. and when that relationship ended, not long after i dated the ex from 7th grade for a year. and now the ex from 8th/9th grade and i haven't really talked for two year... and the feelings... yea... the feelings. fuck the feelings. i hate the feelings.
rfdddddddddqnm, 6tuijkm,
Kovu says hi.
well, i suppose i should go to sleep. but don't wake me if i'm dreaming of angles on the moon...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I'm a bat. Wanna see me fly?
this isnt normal for me to be updating this like crazy but i really dont know what else to do i guess. it feels like everyone hates me in school, and i dont wanna be over dramatic and care about the stupid shit that pathetic, bored people do, but i really feel this way and its real. someone jammed my lock, and damn good may i add. it was last fucking hour, couldnt they have done it in the morning to make my whole day shitty? no. they have to do it for my last fucking class of the day. i had to tell my teacher and go find someone strong enough to unjam it because everyone was fucking looking at me thinking i was retarded. one of those peopl being my ex, the one that "wanted to smoke with me". i have a feeling he did it, but then again maybe he didnt. it doesnt fucking matter who did it, no one helped me. then in the office i saw one of my fave teachers (band teacher who walks with a cane) came with me to the second level to unjam my locker. we tried for a while. and then he finally had to use his cane to shove it down. well he got it, i grabbed my shit and went to class.
last year during lunch, that ex was throwing food at me during lunch. and i knew it was him because it happened several times and one of my best friends was facing him and saw him do it. well my life is dandy.
i'm one of those kids that the whole fucking grade hates cuz im different, cuz there's rumors, because no one likes giving second chances. we're forced to live in our past. we always feel like something is wrong with us, but really. it's you who's wrong. you who belittle us.
so i guess i live in your little high school world of lies for the next two years of my life. i do it for my friends who've graduated and love me very much, i do it for myself because ik i can be above this shit, i do it for my career, and i do it for the hundreds of thousands of others like me who have to live this way, and sometimes even worse.
oh yah, and one more thing, it bothers me. i'm not going to pretend like it doesnt cuz thats what u want.. fuck that, seriously. acting like we dont care only makes shit worse. they dont stop. so instead, give them something to talk about, and just be urself. if u dont care, im fucking jelious and thats the way to go! but if u do like me and its really hard not to care, even though you know this shits overrated, just be who we r. its all we really can do. and kno that ur not alone. ever. there's one bat among the birds and the beasts in every school.
*extra info*
incase you don't know the Aesop fable "The bat, the birds, and the beasts" i thank the book by Alex Flinn "Breaking Point" it is my favorite book.
there are two reasons the first tattoo im getting is a bat. my grandmother's last name is Batt and i love her unbelievably. and this fable.
i'm going to qoute this from the book here so im letting u know that i dont own any of these words because ik how plagiarism goes.
"Once, all the creatures lived in harmony. Then, there was a conflict between the birds and the beasts. They formed two armies. The bat went to join with the birds. But they said 'Sorry. You're no bird.' So, he went to join the beasts, but they said, 'You can fly. You must be a bird.' Finally, the birds and the beasts made their peace. They had something in common-they all hated the bat, who was different from everyone. So the bat was forced to fly off alone before the other creatures ripped him apart."
i thought to myself for a moment, because this was in the book right before a boy named David died. he wanted to commit suicide. he said to the main character "I'm the bat. Wanna see me fly?"
if you interested, go read the book. its fucking awesome.
last year during lunch, that ex was throwing food at me during lunch. and i knew it was him because it happened several times and one of my best friends was facing him and saw him do it. well my life is dandy.
i'm one of those kids that the whole fucking grade hates cuz im different, cuz there's rumors, because no one likes giving second chances. we're forced to live in our past. we always feel like something is wrong with us, but really. it's you who's wrong. you who belittle us.
so i guess i live in your little high school world of lies for the next two years of my life. i do it for my friends who've graduated and love me very much, i do it for myself because ik i can be above this shit, i do it for my career, and i do it for the hundreds of thousands of others like me who have to live this way, and sometimes even worse.
oh yah, and one more thing, it bothers me. i'm not going to pretend like it doesnt cuz thats what u want.. fuck that, seriously. acting like we dont care only makes shit worse. they dont stop. so instead, give them something to talk about, and just be urself. if u dont care, im fucking jelious and thats the way to go! but if u do like me and its really hard not to care, even though you know this shits overrated, just be who we r. its all we really can do. and kno that ur not alone. ever. there's one bat among the birds and the beasts in every school.
*extra info*
incase you don't know the Aesop fable "The bat, the birds, and the beasts" i thank the book by Alex Flinn "Breaking Point" it is my favorite book.
there are two reasons the first tattoo im getting is a bat. my grandmother's last name is Batt and i love her unbelievably. and this fable.
i'm going to qoute this from the book here so im letting u know that i dont own any of these words because ik how plagiarism goes.
"Once, all the creatures lived in harmony. Then, there was a conflict between the birds and the beasts. They formed two armies. The bat went to join with the birds. But they said 'Sorry. You're no bird.' So, he went to join the beasts, but they said, 'You can fly. You must be a bird.' Finally, the birds and the beasts made their peace. They had something in common-they all hated the bat, who was different from everyone. So the bat was forced to fly off alone before the other creatures ripped him apart."
i thought to myself for a moment, because this was in the book right before a boy named David died. he wanted to commit suicide. he said to the main character "I'm the bat. Wanna see me fly?"
if you interested, go read the book. its fucking awesome.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
cats n dogs
you think you have feelings for someone. then you deny you have feelings for someone. then you know you have feelings for someone. and hate yourself for it. well a similar story in my life replays too many times. the story i told the entry before, about the "friend" and her boyfriend. well, i've broken more.
you know when you have that new feeling of liking someone, nothing serious, and you guys are just friends, but you know you like each other? cuz im very familiar with it. but then you remember that you both have serious happiness issues and one day the person you like doesn't reply. and the next day they dont again. and then they send you an email about your profile picture being pretty and your just appalled. speechless. so you say nothing. then a day later they finally text you "hi". well idk y i caare so much and i can assure you that i dont like caring about it. and i dont care for hiding the fact that we're friends because his gf hates the fuck out of me. again. i feel like the booty-call. and now it's not just me. because now i'm crying about someone who shouldn't mean this much to me. and not only that, but i feel like the fucking bitch that my dad cheated on my mom with for 2 and a half years whom hes STILL with, and i feel like the skank that was my best friend and then she slept with my (first intimate relationship) ex boyfriend.
oh and speaking of that guy, hes found in earlier posts, and he's not larry (four) and he's not casey d. his picture was also posted.... and i dont regret my past so i chose to leave those posts up. couldnt tell ya the dates tho. well anyways, i just recently began smoking cigarettes (wee.... -_-) and one of my friends (whos kinda not really my friend and is friends with this ex im talking about) she was guna smoke shit with me for my first time and then she told my ex (who's kinda a stoner now) and he said he wanted to do it with me. so now thats another thought in my head. idk how THATS guna go down, but its this weekend so i should make up my mind fast.
i'm talking to my ex-friend's boyfriend and i finally told him the fallowing:
"i cant watch [my ex friend' name] do this to u n e more. ive been thinking and crying and thinking and [my ex friend's name] just said shit to me today about u and 'be jelious' of u and her cheating, i just cant watch it [exfriend's boyfriend's name]. im watching something so amazing just be slowly murdered and swallowed."
and he hasnt replied so yah. i'll just leave it at then i guess
why are cats and dogs the lesser beings? they live in a world of bliss and ignorance, and i would give anything to live that kind of a life. yes, they may live shorter lives, but i feel as if everyday i live is wasted because i've been worried about so many things that shouldnt matter. spending time with people you love before they're gone, playing with the kitten you've wanted your whole life. why can't those be the biggest things i'm worried about? why?
go listen to the song "The Ocean" by Chelsea Z.
and don't smoke cigarettes. it's dumb.
you know when you have that new feeling of liking someone, nothing serious, and you guys are just friends, but you know you like each other? cuz im very familiar with it. but then you remember that you both have serious happiness issues and one day the person you like doesn't reply. and the next day they dont again. and then they send you an email about your profile picture being pretty and your just appalled. speechless. so you say nothing. then a day later they finally text you "hi". well idk y i caare so much and i can assure you that i dont like caring about it. and i dont care for hiding the fact that we're friends because his gf hates the fuck out of me. again. i feel like the booty-call. and now it's not just me. because now i'm crying about someone who shouldn't mean this much to me. and not only that, but i feel like the fucking bitch that my dad cheated on my mom with for 2 and a half years whom hes STILL with, and i feel like the skank that was my best friend and then she slept with my (first intimate relationship) ex boyfriend.
oh and speaking of that guy, hes found in earlier posts, and he's not larry (four) and he's not casey d. his picture was also posted.... and i dont regret my past so i chose to leave those posts up. couldnt tell ya the dates tho. well anyways, i just recently began smoking cigarettes (wee.... -_-) and one of my friends (whos kinda not really my friend and is friends with this ex im talking about) she was guna smoke shit with me for my first time and then she told my ex (who's kinda a stoner now) and he said he wanted to do it with me. so now thats another thought in my head. idk how THATS guna go down, but its this weekend so i should make up my mind fast.
i'm talking to my ex-friend's boyfriend and i finally told him the fallowing:
"i cant watch [my ex friend' name] do this to u n e more. ive been thinking and crying and thinking and [my ex friend's name] just said shit to me today about u and 'be jelious' of u and her cheating, i just cant watch it [exfriend's boyfriend's name]. im watching something so amazing just be slowly murdered and swallowed."
and he hasnt replied so yah. i'll just leave it at then i guess
why are cats and dogs the lesser beings? they live in a world of bliss and ignorance, and i would give anything to live that kind of a life. yes, they may live shorter lives, but i feel as if everyday i live is wasted because i've been worried about so many things that shouldnt matter. spending time with people you love before they're gone, playing with the kitten you've wanted your whole life. why can't those be the biggest things i'm worried about? why?
go listen to the song "The Ocean" by Chelsea Z.
and don't smoke cigarettes. it's dumb.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Mummy Dearest
whoever said that before birth we chose our parents is fucking wrong as hell. maybe its only because i grew up with her, my i fucking hate my mom. she is like litterally everything i hate in a person. she's a fucking horder and our house is filled with shit to the brim. we dont need more than half the crap in our house, and the only clean room in the house is my room. our kitchen table has been fully preoccupied by her piles of papers and whatever else she's too fuckin lazy to clean up for the last 5 years (maybe even longer). the only table we have to eat on in this whole house is the fuckin coffee table, which as of a month ago has become another storrage space for my mom to put more papers. i now know why we're at a loss of trees.... their remains are on all the table you can find in my house.
and then theres the boxes and BOXES of christmas deccorations she STILL hasn't put away. instead their in front of the biggest TV in our house which is in out basement. mind you our basement walls are made of spiderwebs and boxes of old baby clothes and whatever else my mom finds reason to clutter our basement. now, my mom sounds like a pretty lazy person, right? considering i told her she needed to clear the dinning room table off cuz my little sister and i were starting to be bothered that we cant eat there any more, and she was laying spralled out on the couch and screamed at me for being disrespectful. (disrespectful is an overused word in our house. the way i fucking breathe is disrespectful. the sun coming up is disrespectful. idk what the word means anymore.) but no. this fucking bitch gets up at 5am to work out. and she's always going to "yoga" or "zumba".... hey MOTHER! u wanna fuckiing clean up your house before you do shit for yourself so that your kids dont have to live in your piles of shit!!!!?!!!
fuck my mom, seriously. i fucking hate her.
and then theres the boxes and BOXES of christmas deccorations she STILL hasn't put away. instead their in front of the biggest TV in our house which is in out basement. mind you our basement walls are made of spiderwebs and boxes of old baby clothes and whatever else my mom finds reason to clutter our basement. now, my mom sounds like a pretty lazy person, right? considering i told her she needed to clear the dinning room table off cuz my little sister and i were starting to be bothered that we cant eat there any more, and she was laying spralled out on the couch and screamed at me for being disrespectful. (disrespectful is an overused word in our house. the way i fucking breathe is disrespectful. the sun coming up is disrespectful. idk what the word means anymore.) but no. this fucking bitch gets up at 5am to work out. and she's always going to "yoga" or "zumba".... hey MOTHER! u wanna fuckiing clean up your house before you do shit for yourself so that your kids dont have to live in your piles of shit!!!!?!!!
fuck my mom, seriously. i fucking hate her.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
We meet again, nobody.
well hello nobody who reads this. im in a terrible mood. a terrible fucking mood.
wanna know why, nobody? because my life is fucking complicated. like seriously. worse than a fuckin soap opera. well anyways, here's me explaining my shitty situation to no one.
well fer one my cat wont leave my chords alone and its really annoying, but that wasn't what i was going to say.
oh, and first... MOOD MUSIC!
look up or download these 3 songs and this is my mood. they came on my iPod in a row while on shuffle. pretty cool.
"One Last Breath" by Creed
"New Low" by Middle Class Rut
"Nobody Knows" by P!nk
k, back to my rant. well for starters one of my best friends is leaving for college and tomaro is my last day with him. most of my friends r older than me so i feel like i should be graduated too... but i'm going into my junior year... fml. fer real. i'm trying to explain the not completely shitty situations first.. OH! i got pulled over 3 days after getting my license by a chick cop for "cutting her off". fuck off please. and today a cop fallowed me and didnt even turn on his blinker when i turned right. what a douche. they're all out to get the girl with red hair.. ik it. ummmm... my dads a dick, thank you. uhh school starts in less than 48 hours (aprox). oohh! this is a good one!! my ex-boyfriend who i broke up with 2 years ago after a 9 month relationship... his grandpa was gunna get him a red convertible, and i even road in it back when we were dating. well he got it cuz one of my friends said that they saw him driving a red convertible. go figure. well... my friend (thats leaving for college; mentioned earlier) and i were driving and we saw a car crash with a shitty green car and, u guessed it! a red convertible. i didn't see the ppl that were driving the cars because at this point they were towing the cars away... well i instantly thought of my ex and being a fucking caring person i called him, left him a voicemail, and a text. later another friend told me it was a chick driving the convertible... yeah. so now i look fucking desperate and pathetic. well excuse me for having a conscience! and now i have to see him in two days at school. yea.. im fucking ecstatic about that...
now here's the killer situation. well my friend from grade school has been dating this guy for a while and i thought they were really good! until her boyfriend told me that she cheated on him with 7 different guys.. and he still stayed with her. wtf! AAAND on top of that bullshit, shes fuckin mean to him all the time! constantly fighting! well she came over one day without him and my other friend (a guy) was there and she was flirting with him and everyone else noticed AND said something about it after she left... WELL... i felt guilty not telling her boyfriend about this considering hes my friend, so i told him. well he asked her flat out if she flirted with this guy, said NOTHING about me.. and i got a text saying something along the lines of "how dare you" yada yada and then she fuckin says "well he loves me and u can have him so stop trying" like wtf! sorry im not a bitch to him!!! UHHHG! wellll to make shit even MORE complicated her boyfriend (being as confused as anyone would be if they were cheated on with 7 different guys) starts having these dreams about me... like sexual and shit.. WELL this confused the both of us and i started realizing how nice this guy was, and i sorta started getting feelings, but i never wanted to be that girl. the ex that i mentioned earlier.. yah one of my best friends fucked him. SAAAWEEET... so yah. i didn't want to be like that bitch cuz i still think theirs no one worse than her in the world. if she was the last person on earth and she was about to die and i could save her, i wouldn’t. i fucking hate her. well n e ways. this old friend deleted me from n e form of contact and has disallowed her boyfriend to talk to me. he still texted me. in fact we hung out today. he taught me how to play poker! what u guna do now bitch!! UHH! fuck u. well n e ways.. her boyfriend and were texting two nights ago and we both confessed that we kinda has feelings for each other. then before falling asleep, he asked if we could hang out the next day.. and he never texted me that day. and he hasnt really texted me since. well i kinda squeezed my way back in today. her boyfriend's FRIEND was hitting on me and he's just another fml story for another day.. he was there too when her boyfriend taught me how to play poker. and they later went to the chick's house (today). and shes been shit talking me like a storm and telling her boyfriends friend not to like me tho he still calls me babe and sexy and asked to be friends with benifits because i flat out said to him i didnt want a relationship. like seriously??? ur a good FRIEND... back off my shit! FUCK! well n e ways she was shit talking me AGAIN, and even tho her bf hasnt texted me back or really talked to me, he stood up for me and asked her to stop. idk how he did it, like nice or forceful terms, but ik he did. and idk. i think hes just confused and maybe thats why hes not texting me back.. but fuck! how do i really kno? i dont. cuz no one ever asks me "hey r u ok?" or "hey u wanna talk about it?" cuz no!! i never have shitty fuckin days! y the fuck do i drop everything to help these ppl that only end up fucking me over in the end. idk. i guess i just never learn.
Well goodbye nobody, and thanks for reading.
wanna know why, nobody? because my life is fucking complicated. like seriously. worse than a fuckin soap opera. well anyways, here's me explaining my shitty situation to no one.
well fer one my cat wont leave my chords alone and its really annoying, but that wasn't what i was going to say.
oh, and first... MOOD MUSIC!
look up or download these 3 songs and this is my mood. they came on my iPod in a row while on shuffle. pretty cool.
"One Last Breath" by Creed
"New Low" by Middle Class Rut
"Nobody Knows" by P!nk
k, back to my rant. well for starters one of my best friends is leaving for college and tomaro is my last day with him. most of my friends r older than me so i feel like i should be graduated too... but i'm going into my junior year... fml. fer real. i'm trying to explain the not completely shitty situations first.. OH! i got pulled over 3 days after getting my license by a chick cop for "cutting her off". fuck off please. and today a cop fallowed me and didnt even turn on his blinker when i turned right. what a douche. they're all out to get the girl with red hair.. ik it. ummmm... my dads a dick, thank you. uhh school starts in less than 48 hours (aprox). oohh! this is a good one!! my ex-boyfriend who i broke up with 2 years ago after a 9 month relationship... his grandpa was gunna get him a red convertible, and i even road in it back when we were dating. well he got it cuz one of my friends said that they saw him driving a red convertible. go figure. well... my friend (thats leaving for college; mentioned earlier) and i were driving and we saw a car crash with a shitty green car and, u guessed it! a red convertible. i didn't see the ppl that were driving the cars because at this point they were towing the cars away... well i instantly thought of my ex and being a fucking caring person i called him, left him a voicemail, and a text. later another friend told me it was a chick driving the convertible... yeah. so now i look fucking desperate and pathetic. well excuse me for having a conscience! and now i have to see him in two days at school. yea.. im fucking ecstatic about that...
now here's the killer situation. well my friend from grade school has been dating this guy for a while and i thought they were really good! until her boyfriend told me that she cheated on him with 7 different guys.. and he still stayed with her. wtf! AAAND on top of that bullshit, shes fuckin mean to him all the time! constantly fighting! well she came over one day without him and my other friend (a guy) was there and she was flirting with him and everyone else noticed AND said something about it after she left... WELL... i felt guilty not telling her boyfriend about this considering hes my friend, so i told him. well he asked her flat out if she flirted with this guy, said NOTHING about me.. and i got a text saying something along the lines of "how dare you" yada yada and then she fuckin says "well he loves me and u can have him so stop trying" like wtf! sorry im not a bitch to him!!! UHHHG! wellll to make shit even MORE complicated her boyfriend (being as confused as anyone would be if they were cheated on with 7 different guys) starts having these dreams about me... like sexual and shit.. WELL this confused the both of us and i started realizing how nice this guy was, and i sorta started getting feelings, but i never wanted to be that girl. the ex that i mentioned earlier.. yah one of my best friends fucked him. SAAAWEEET... so yah. i didn't want to be like that bitch cuz i still think theirs no one worse than her in the world. if she was the last person on earth and she was about to die and i could save her, i wouldn’t. i fucking hate her. well n e ways. this old friend deleted me from n e form of contact and has disallowed her boyfriend to talk to me. he still texted me. in fact we hung out today. he taught me how to play poker! what u guna do now bitch!! UHH! fuck u. well n e ways.. her boyfriend and were texting two nights ago and we both confessed that we kinda has feelings for each other. then before falling asleep, he asked if we could hang out the next day.. and he never texted me that day. and he hasnt really texted me since. well i kinda squeezed my way back in today. her boyfriend's FRIEND was hitting on me and he's just another fml story for another day.. he was there too when her boyfriend taught me how to play poker. and they later went to the chick's house (today). and shes been shit talking me like a storm and telling her boyfriends friend not to like me tho he still calls me babe and sexy and asked to be friends with benifits because i flat out said to him i didnt want a relationship. like seriously??? ur a good FRIEND... back off my shit! FUCK! well n e ways she was shit talking me AGAIN, and even tho her bf hasnt texted me back or really talked to me, he stood up for me and asked her to stop. idk how he did it, like nice or forceful terms, but ik he did. and idk. i think hes just confused and maybe thats why hes not texting me back.. but fuck! how do i really kno? i dont. cuz no one ever asks me "hey r u ok?" or "hey u wanna talk about it?" cuz no!! i never have shitty fuckin days! y the fuck do i drop everything to help these ppl that only end up fucking me over in the end. idk. i guess i just never learn.
Well goodbye nobody, and thanks for reading.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Truth
Fuck. I hate myself. And I keep telling people I don't know why I'm so sad but really it's just so cleshay and "fake" to say that I hate myself. The world is so fucked up now that even admitting that it's cleshay that you fucking hate yourself so much you would..........and the reason I leave that blank is because I'm not not even sure. But that admitting that makes you desperate for attention. And you know what?! I hope it does! NO ONE FUCKING CARES! And if no one else cares then why should I? And maybe that's why I don't. Or at least am trying not to. I wish I could matter to someone, one person of my choosing forever and no matter what have them there when I need them. I don't know if I've found that person, and I don't know if I'll ever know even if that person made it so painfully obvious that they care because I hate or turn down the idea that someone loves me. Because if someone loves you they know you in a way no one else could and knows everything about you and never forgets to pay attention to detail because every moment with them is new. And you only fight because of yourself, not because of eachother. That kind of love is perfection. But I don't think it's real. But not because people are imperfect and we make mistakes. It's because people, including myself, don't know how to love past mistakes.
And maybe we have to hate ourselves to realize the things that make us proud when we read them aloud, alone in our backyard wishing that someone had heard it.
And maybe we have to hate ourselves to realize the things that make us proud when we read them aloud, alone in our backyard wishing that someone had heard it.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
hello somebody
tonights one of those nights you don't really know what to do or say. whether it's because you can't find the words describe how you feel, or everythings already fallen apart, or you just have no will to speak. when i think back to who i used to be about 3 years ago and where i thought i would have been at age 16, i see now how different everything truely is. i would like to think, looking back on everything, that i could find a way to avoid getting to the place i am now if i had the chance, but it just happened so fast i can barely remember when this all started. its so easy and simple to blame it on the people around you, but that can only get you so far. i've reached a point where just being me becomes my own prison. i keep saying the same thing everytime i cry, and im not even sure what it means. "i don't want to be here." but where is "here"? where i am in life? where i live? being alive? i just don't know anymore. its like that part of the movie when you know that the main charicotr fucked up bad and everyone's sad. maybe except the bad guy. but who's the bad guy in my life?
the only thing i've figured out of all of this is that in the end i blame myself. for letting stupid things bother me. for letting myself do certain things. for not trying harder to love myself and establish a healthy lifestyle.
maybe it'snot smart to post this, but hey. we're all humans and we all like to think someone out there cares.
i like to think someone will read this. idk.
i feel the need to say have fun but idk who im talking to or what im talking about.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
my best friend
yep. here we go again. don't try and tell me that i was your best friend cause i know that i never meant that to you. i was always the one that drew the short straw and was told to just suck it up. you say you feel the same as me, and i almost felt the same as you, but if we truly had the unbreakable connection you wouldn't have let these things break and tear us apart. there's no excuse to betraying your "best friend". i miss you. i will miss you. it won't go away. but it hurts more to stand here and watch you lie to me and hear you tell me that i mean to you what you always meant to me. you left me in the dark and seeing things from out here makes goodbye make much more sense. the hyporcite that lays next to you has replaced me, and if it wasn't her, i was never that person anyways. the reliable person you wish to see in me has been left behind with the memory of our friendship. looks like we didn't make it to our birthdays.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
my dad dosen't like to listen to me. he likes to think that everything in the world revolves around him. now don't get me wrong, he can be nice, but most of the time he's not, and it's because he chooses to be an asshole. i want to be happy so i try to focus on things that make me happy, he likes to get mad so he finds things to be mad about. he cheated on my mom for 3 years until my mom finally broke it off. he dosen't like to do things for other people. i guess one would call him completely oosite of genorous. i hate him. and again, i hate to be the one to start this shit, but i really dont. i always make sure to have a good aditute to him to make sure i get what i want. thats what i've learned being 16 now. but whatever. i have to say this.. hes a motherfucker. >:( ANGERRRRRRRRR!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!
ok:) im good. but n e ways.
im going to a movie so i blog whenever i blog.
BYE!:D
:pi just ate dinner so im not bi polar, i just never finish my thoughts so im just wsdijdhfuysdgfisafu
ok:) im good. but n e ways.
im going to a movie so i blog whenever i blog.
BYE!:D
:pi just ate dinner so im not bi polar, i just never finish my thoughts so im just wsdijdhfuysdgfisafu
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
pessimistic
so if theres one thing i learned. its that people fucking suck. i don't mean to sound like a pessimistic, but more so well taught with life and experience. you think you get something you really want, but then it turns about to be someone else's sloppy seconds when you owned them in the first place. then when you try to fucking find someone who isn't an asshole you find out... he's an asshole.
there is no such thing as a nice person. everyone fucking sucks. whoever you are reading this... no one fucking gives a flying fuck about you. no one gives a shit about n e one. nobody cares about everybody. yet they care what everybody thinks. everyone is a selfish fucked up, selfpittied, fake, bastards.
thank you and have a fucking terrable day.
there is no such thing as a nice person. everyone fucking sucks. whoever you are reading this... no one fucking gives a flying fuck about you. no one gives a shit about n e one. nobody cares about everybody. yet they care what everybody thinks. everyone is a selfish fucked up, selfpittied, fake, bastards.
thank you and have a fucking terrable day.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
life is a beautiful, crazy thing.
Beautiful: I'm finally beginning to live my dream! i recorded with an amazing music producer, Tony Schueller, just last Saturday, and i worked with him again today. he produced my first ever professionally recorded song, High Hopes & Long Shots! i so wish i could upload it for everyone to hear because it truly is amazing, but i know about illegal downloads and i know that people don't care if an artist need money to keep making MORE music. though i understand because of money. i don't have much. it's all my aunt, my grandma, and my mother investing in me. my lovely boyfriend just pays for candy and other things i don't need:) but he's also at the mall right now retrieving me a Valentine's Day gift. though life is pretty crazy!
Crazy: I've been dealing with drivers ed every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday for the last 6 weeks for two hours each night. but now that that's over, i have to take behind the wheel. my boyfriend's first class is Monday, mine is Saturday, which - of coarse, Saturdays are the only real days i can spend a good amount of time in the recording studio with Tony and work one-on-one on my song to make sure they're perfect as can be. on top of all of this, i have loads of homework, but clearly, i also have a little time to vent:) i am happy right now, but i know that life gets hard. I'm excited to the future and everything it holds:) i thank God and everyone in my life who supports and loves me, and even the people who have shit on my face:) i have turned your shits into kick ass songs, so everybody wins!:)
thanks again!
signing off,
Starving Artist
Crazy: I've been dealing with drivers ed every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday for the last 6 weeks for two hours each night. but now that that's over, i have to take behind the wheel. my boyfriend's first class is Monday, mine is Saturday, which - of coarse, Saturdays are the only real days i can spend a good amount of time in the recording studio with Tony and work one-on-one on my song to make sure they're perfect as can be. on top of all of this, i have loads of homework, but clearly, i also have a little time to vent:) i am happy right now, but i know that life gets hard. I'm excited to the future and everything it holds:) i thank God and everyone in my life who supports and loves me, and even the people who have shit on my face:) i have turned your shits into kick ass songs, so everybody wins!:)
thanks again!
signing off,
Starving Artist
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
somebody became my boyfriend as of April 13th 2010, and as of today, it has been 9 months and almost 2 weeks (my longest relationship so far, WIPPY! ^^D hehee) well somebody is actually the one known as Casey D in my earlier posts in 2007. we've had a thing for eachother since that grade, though i was stupid and fell for morons... :/ blahh... whatever! xD i love him, though i may not always seam like it... :) this blog is soo messy, so i'm going to clean it up and refresh it a little:)
something a little offtopic a little bit, i know that absolutly no one reads this anymore. but i have to say, i really miss being a kid. ik im only 16, but still.. the innocence of thinking sex was "icky" and boys were just fucking cute, but now everythings, just, not.. everybody has changed and i'm still the same. i must say, even Casey's changed... i can honestly say that matty o (also mentioned in 2007 as Matt O) has not changed much, except that hes GROWN like a foot, probly more, :) lol, but i mean, he still has matured a little. and i supposed i've changed aswell, but idk. i feel the same.. the only thing i've changed was boyfriends and hair colours. oh, and i have better grades now, which i suppose is a good thing:)
i'm thinking of making this blog a book. it probably won't go far at all, and, of coarse, i'd have to add in MUCH to have it make even a tiny bit of sence. then again maybe i just wont. it's not like the internet's going to erace this page anyways. i have all the blogs from like 4 years ago. it's nice:)
well i'm rambling. and i still have exams tomaro.. but a quick update of my grades first.
QUATER 2 GRADES:
Algabra B: A-
English 10 H: B
Personal Lifetime Fitness (gym): B+
Concert Chior: A
Environmental Science: B-
Chamber Singers (Accapella chior): A
US History: B-
now of coarse all A's and B's... AWSOME! good job aly! you did great! :D
but no... then final exams take a turn for the worst... and ik i did terrable on Enviromental Science...
SEMESTER 1 GRADES:
Algabra B: C
English 10 H: not yet submitted
Gym: exepted the exam
Concert Chior: A
Environmental Science: just took the exam today so idt he got the scores in yet
Chamber Singers: A
US History: i'm taking the exam tomaro.
well thats all.. and i'm kinda stressing.. cuz. well... im great in math.. and now/.... i have a C... of all my algebra classes... i've never gotten a C... fml..
something a little offtopic a little bit, i know that absolutly no one reads this anymore. but i have to say, i really miss being a kid. ik im only 16, but still.. the innocence of thinking sex was "icky" and boys were just fucking cute, but now everythings, just, not.. everybody has changed and i'm still the same. i must say, even Casey's changed... i can honestly say that matty o (also mentioned in 2007 as Matt O) has not changed much, except that hes GROWN like a foot, probly more, :) lol, but i mean, he still has matured a little. and i supposed i've changed aswell, but idk. i feel the same.. the only thing i've changed was boyfriends and hair colours. oh, and i have better grades now, which i suppose is a good thing:)
i'm thinking of making this blog a book. it probably won't go far at all, and, of coarse, i'd have to add in MUCH to have it make even a tiny bit of sence. then again maybe i just wont. it's not like the internet's going to erace this page anyways. i have all the blogs from like 4 years ago. it's nice:)
well i'm rambling. and i still have exams tomaro.. but a quick update of my grades first.
QUATER 2 GRADES:
Algabra B: A-
English 10 H: B
Personal Lifetime Fitness (gym): B+
Concert Chior: A
Environmental Science: B-
Chamber Singers (Accapella chior): A
US History: B-
now of coarse all A's and B's... AWSOME! good job aly! you did great! :D
but no... then final exams take a turn for the worst... and ik i did terrable on Enviromental Science...
SEMESTER 1 GRADES:
Algabra B: C
English 10 H: not yet submitted
Gym: exepted the exam
Concert Chior: A
Environmental Science: just took the exam today so idt he got the scores in yet
Chamber Singers: A
US History: i'm taking the exam tomaro.
well thats all.. and i'm kinda stressing.. cuz. well... im great in math.. and now/.... i have a C... of all my algebra classes... i've never gotten a C... fml..
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