this is a letter stateing feelings and thoughts that i have kept truely to myself for about 2 or 3 years.
someone has stolen my heart. for 7 months i took for granted some one who i didn't realize i would be spending the rest of my life thinking, dreaming, and living without. thats all i can do now. in the beggining things were so beautiful. little did i know that i was falling in love. the 4th of July. that was the day. then came along Febuary. i foolishly broke up with him only a few days before Valentines Day. now the days grow longer and more painful to see him. in my mind, he hated me for 1 whole year after that. he deleted me from his life completely. myspace... gone. he no longer talked to me. i wrote him letters, songs... but i never sent them. i made him CD's too. nice ones. about how i wasn't going to get over him. but i just burried them with the letters. i still play the songs on rainy days or long days. but more frequently lately. and i still write songs about him. some titles: The Cure, Old Pictures, Silence In The Night, and one that never had a title.... but that is the one that is strongest.
recently, two days ago, someone told me that he said things about me. i was sure they would be things that he used to say about me in 7th grade after we broke up. (bad things) but i was wrong. aprently when i desided to break up with him, he knew we were going to get back together, but he desided to say no. why? because he was going through a very hard time at home and he was aprently hating life at that point. he told me those hatful words to make me go away because he didnt want to hurt me. im not sure if he is just saying that, but that would explain why these past years i still loved him and still for some reason had faith that he still cared.
i would lie about not being over him SOO many times. every time i said i hated him, it was because he hurt me soo bad. everytime i said i still loved him, i had faith. broken. he would only deny me. there was one short short time period where i thought i would actually get over him. i was starting a new relationship. it was December of last year...2008. then, as if he knew that i was starting to try and move on, he flirted with me! he talked to me! he finally accepted my friend request on myspace too! it was almost a mirical. i guess when he realized that i thought he was likeing me again he stopped. and i was left alone in my denial. another thing he said was that every time that i liked him, he liked me... but then everytime i lied and said that i didnt like him n e more, he said he had to stop liking me just because i did. im still not sure if i believe this. i mean, i kno i have to have faith... but i just lived off his hate for 2 to 3 years!
i am so lost at this point i dont even know what to say.
do he ever get that letter i wrote him that i didn't sent?
did he know how i really felt that whole time?
and how was deleting me from his life a solution. love is tough! i would have waited everything out. maybe not then... but now.
i've grown. not changed, just grown. i always told myself i'd never date him again because of how he hurt me.
but then again i never thought all of that was a lie.
i was lieing to myself, trying to convince myself that i wasn't still in love with him when i said i'd never date him.
but he's probably over me for good now.
from:
-Aly Jayne Riekkoff
